I had a dream that went like this, although I am not certain it was only a dream. If it wasn’t a dream, then I don’t know what it was, or could be, or what to say about it, so I hope it was a dream. All of the major Gods from all of the major planets, even the most distant planets on the far side of the fold, had come together in an especially iridescent mood for some good, clean fun. They were hanging out in an unbroken, spherical ellipse, and talking some flat out, funky shit. The gases were light, the liquids sleek, the solids hot to trot, as usual. Some zippy tricks with whirling orbs were neatly performed. Bulbs popped and bloomed. Waves crested. The colors were cool and the jokes funny. Atoms were bopping around like opalescent jellies.
What a sight to behold. What a fucking life. Why not live forever? “Hey baby, try this.” “Yum.” Many of the Gods were snickering at the God from Earth, the God stuck with the most backward planet and the dumbest creatures, especially the awkward, crusty creatures closest to the surface. The God of Earth was late and lagging behind as usual. His creatures were causing a terrible stink. The smartest ones were diving as deep as the oceans would allow. Some of the Gods maintained the punk ass bitch never belonged in the big leagues right from the start.
“First thing when he gets here he’s gonna claim it’s not his fault.”
“You got to laugh.”
“That’s what I do.”
All the really cool Gods appreciated a good joke just about more than anything. That’s why they decided to go so far out of their way and meet so near to Earth.
“I been laughing for the last fourteen thousand years just to stay in shape.”
“Fourteen? That ain’t enough. You’ll spew. If you ask me, it takes ninety eight thousand years just to stay in decent shape.”
“I laugh just thinking about all the laughing.”
“When was the last time we met so close to here?” “I think it was two million years ago. Maybe three.”
“Still pretty much the same old shit.”
“Looks more backwards if you ask me.”
“They just don’t get it.”
“Never will.” “I think it’s too late.”
“It’s never too late.”
“This time, I don’t know.”
“Once they left the water, they were lost.”
“What a dumb ass move.”
“We’ll see soon enough.”
“They so dumb ass they still working on base ten.”
“It’s like they all retarded.”
“Especially those crazy cats wandering around burning their feet in the desert.”
“Going backwards. Why, I never.”
“Who would have thought that crazy ass shit would catch on?”
“And all the beautiful water there so close.”
“Most of ’em never laid eyes on it.”
“Fighting over which cracker crazier than the one before.”
“Out of the cool ocean into the burning sand.”
“Never did make no sense.”
“But, what would we do without them?”
“I laugh my ass off most of the time.” “What else can you do?”
The God of Earth was late because he was stuck in the mud, loaded down in some crack hole with a shit load of sticky stuff. It was become a habit. No matter what any of the other Gods said, he insisted it was not his fault, not the way he had to look at it, not considering all the give and take he had to put up with. Pure gases had it so damn easy. None of them had to carry his load. What did they know about his suffering, any of them?
The God of Earth knew the other Gods were going to laugh at him no matter what he said or did, which is pretty much why he was in no hurry to show up, even though the meeting hole was just around a very nearby curvature, and would take him no time or space at all to materialize there. There was something about the way they all laughed at him that made him so mad, way more than the usual hoots, whistles, farts, ker-plops, and ker-plunks.
When the God of Earth became mad, he became flustered. Nothing good ever came out of that. Even he knew that much. He knew it was best for him to laugh right along. But, it was hard. Still, he had to face them eventually. If only he had someone to talk to, someone who understood, someone who was hauling his load, a friend.
Sure enough, when the God of Earth finally showed up there were hoots and whistles that trilled like cock-eyed gangs of fuzzy algorithms. There were a whole shit load of farts. The farts reached a crescendo that lasted more than a hundred silly years. It was all a hell of a lot more than too much, but the God of Earth tried to play along. He had to. What else could he do? Try to jerk off and go it alone? Talk about a ker-plop. That, he knew, was just plain dumb. That would make him just about as dumb ass as the dumb ass creatures crawling all over his planet and gumming up the works. Not even he was going to stoop that low. His ass was all that he had that was sacred and he had it loaded to the rim. Maybe he wasn’t the slickest spoke on the wheel, but no matter what any of them joked about, or how, he was not retarded. Maybe, he tried to hope and dream, I can shut them up with a real nifty song and dance.
“Fat chance, dumb ass,” one of the more prescient Gods proclaimed.
“You don’t have to start right off calling me names.”
“That’s no name. That’s a description.”
“The evidence is all there if you ask me.”
“It was a joke. Can’t you take a joke.”
“Nothing better nowhere than a good joke.”
“What else are we supposed to call you?”
“I don’t know why we can’t all just get along.”
“If you can’t take a joke, you got nothing to say.”
“Then say nothing.” “I think we all getting along just fine.”
“Put up or shut up, that’s what I say.”
That was a good one, the kind of stupid ass, slapstick joke that everyone can get behind. A bunch of planets cut loose and shook with laughter. Hundreds of holes opened and gaped. Mountain chains popped their tops. Spigots opened and poured. Once some of those spigots opened, they just kept on going. Some of them were unstoppable. Some of them stunk. The joint was rocking and rolling. It kept on keeping on.
“Man, I haven’t laughed so hard since I don’t know when.”
“I’m still shaking.”
“Let’s keep it up and watch what happens.”
“I’m about ready to implode.”
“There’s a sight.”
“Man, there’s some shit dripping somewhere.”
“That’s what you get.”
“That’s what I like.”
“Nothing but fun.”
“You and me, baby.”
“Until it don’t.”