What is not to love about the sterling role performed by Glenn Beck? He’s absolutely perfect just the way he is. His skin is white, his teeth are white, his cheeks are smooth, pinkish, cute, and chubby, both sets. Plus, he obviously knows how to keep it that way. Hint: By any means necessary, avoid the Sun, and any associated light.
I think Glenn Beck should win a lifetime Emmy for best performance in a self-aggrandizing role, win it hands down. Why the hell not? He cries on cue and knows how to hit his mark for soft focus close-ups. He oozes like a gusher. Believe me, older, whiter women especially would love nothing better than to pinch those cheeks on a nightly basis. Once again, either pair would do. I used to have chubby cheeks before working out more and eating out less and I should know. The cuteness speaks for itself. Plus, the role of Glenn Beck fits solidly within the highly American tradition of owning slaves, raising cane, pounding stakes, and slaughtering inconvenient Comanches and Sioux in the unwavering path of a destiny so manifest it could only be stopped by the Pacific Ocean.
Despite all disclaimers, there is nothing larger on Earth than the Pacific Ocean, so you know there can’t be anything more manifest than that. Burdens are universally hefted by those with the right stuff only. Pseudos, flakes, fakes, and fags need not apply. Plus, Glenn Beck obviously sells the goods, even raw gold, way better than the average, commonplace shill, which has been going on at an exorbitant cost for a hell of a long time. Who can tell me it isn’t more than fitting that the gold he pushes so sprightly is mined in South Africa by natives so sadly lacking in the appropriately desirable skin tone? That’s what in the real, unwavering world is called symmetry, another attribute we in America seem to love in spades. That’s why the study of history is not nearly so useless as it seems.
It is in this way and this way only, and in the great scheme of things, that Glenn Beck gets to takes his place among the great liars of relatively recent times like Richard Nixon and Dick Cheney. Again, that’s where the pearly white skin helps out so much. Who’s going to believe a smallish round guy who cries without it? Otherwise, he could be tragically confused for something or somebody else in a different role. Comedy is way more popular than tragedy these days and who wants to be less than he can be? Certainly not Glenn Beck. That’s why the quality he so proudly possesses is called a least common denominator, after all. It just feels so damn good going down, like warm vanilla syrup, or bile, or phlegm. Plus, there’s no need to check for honesty, accuracy, or civility underneath the make-up of a comedian. Inconvenient facts can only get in the way of a good, comic script. That could only lead to a semblance of disappointment, and who wants that from an actor so ready, willing, able, and cute?